When I was young all I wanted was to be set free to do what ever my heart desired. I wanted unrestrained indulgence in that which I craved. Internally I wanted a conscience that was silent about my actions. Externally I wanted others to endorse my efforts, praise me for what I was doing or if nothing else to just be silent with their objections. I just wanted to be given over to do whatever I wanted. I didn't want Jesus to mess up my life. I hated His invasion into my privacy and resented the fact that I could never get away from Him. He haunted me. And for this I hated Him.
Now that I belong to Jesus all I want is for Him to never give me over to my sins. I hate when I feel distant from my Father and marvel that I ever choose sin at all! I don't understand this morbid love of self. It makes no sense to me now. It is counter productive and shortsighted. I know exactly where it takes me and I don't want anything to do with it. It baffles me that I do the things I hate and struggle to repent and “come home” when I do them.I understand that my residual depravity is still strong and active within me. I know that I am swimming up a stream of well ingrained sinful patterns of behavior. You could say that I “get it”theologicallyand experientially;returning to wallow in the mud in light of residual depravity makes sense.
And I hold out in front of me that carrot of future blessing and liberation from this plague of sin. I remind myself of my positional standing before God in justification through Christ. I am so very glad to know that I will one day be in unbroken communion with Him forevermore. But what about today? What about my current situation?
Before Christ I did not have this struggle. I did not care if my sins pushed me from God. In fact, I was pleased when my actions helped to increase the distance. I was glad when my conscience stopped nagging me. But now, today, I want my conscience to scream! And in this paradox there is comfort, a wonderful comfort. A comfort derived from the knowledge that the Holy One is at work in my life. God is alive and active in my life – in my measly little life! Fascinating. And beyond fascination it also brings a wonderful sense of contentment. He is faithful, faithful to do exactly as He promised.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”Romans 8:28-29 I was once the prisoner of self and sin.Now I am the captive of Christ.Before I was upset and longed to find that which I thought was freedom.Now I am thrilled to be a prisoner and content with what comes from His hand.What a sacred irony.
-by b.e.gilley
