As a boy I often thought I could straddle the fence between my friends at school and my friends at church. I thought I could live in both worlds and as long as I could keep those worlds separate then all would be just superb. I thought I could live in both worlds half way and that no one would notice.
As I got older it became harder and harder to keep my two worlds apart. My balance on the fence I was straddling became nearly impossible at times. I knew the day was coming fast when I would have to decide. Or at least that is how the conversation played out in my head. The reality was that all along I had already made a choice. I had already decided on the route that I would choose. I thought I could turn to God whenever I wanted.
What a shame. What a depressing shame it all is. Ah, what a loser. But, “forgetting what lines behind” we press on.
You know, I really thought I found the way around the system. I thought I could fool everyone. And I nearly did. However, in all my calculating, in all my planning, I forgot God.
I devised my plans without weighing God into the equation. I was one who thought I could live as I wished and come to God whenever I felt like it. And I tried to come to God on a number of occasions, like after a stirring sermon or a fiery church camp experience. But those were just the man-made efforts of a person who had a guilty conscience. I was not repentant. I was only remorseful. I wanted a clean slate, I wanted to feel clean again. But soon after I would return to things I truly loved, like the pig to his mire.
Now then, what has actually changed in my life? Other than the basic outward trappings and what could be understood as façade – what radical transformation has occurred?
I still sin, I still run after foolish things – but not for long. My love and allegiance changed. Instead of returning to the mire with the pigs I come running home to my Father. I can never stay gone for long, His hold is too strong and I can’t break free. To my unspeakable joy, He owns me and I cannot break free. He never lets me get that far before coming out to find me, just like the shepherd He says He is.
I don’t claim to be arriving at super spirituality or to be above you in my piousness – I just claim that my God loves me, and He refuses to let go. Praise His name, He won’t let me go.
I know that tomorrow I may bury my parents, my wife or my sons. I know that I will face depression, sorrow and pain but I don’t face these things alone - He is now factored into every equation.
My friend, you serve a living God, doesn’t that make a difference? In your trial have you failed to factor the Almighty, living God into the equation?
Take heart, be strong, steadfast, immovable in the grace that He has granted. And remember “a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, but the wicked stumble in time of calamity.” (Proverbs 24:16) And why is it that we keep rising?
Cause He picks us up, He never lets go.
When I was young all I wanted was to be set free to do what ever my heart desired. I wanted unrestrained indulgence in that which I craved. Internally I wanted a conscience that was silent about my actions. Externally I wanted others to endorse my efforts, praise me for what I was doing or if nothing else to just be silent with their objections. I just wanted to be given over to do whatever I wanted. I didn't want Jesus to mess up my life. I hated His invasion into my privacy and resented the fact that I could never get away from Him. He haunted me. And for this I hated Him.
